Even the bartender felt bad for me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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