Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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