my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
