Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
