She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
