she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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