I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize