Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
