I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
