I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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