now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
sick fucks of a feather flock together
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
