So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
