I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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