Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Girls should come with a carfax report
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
