and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
