you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Alive.
So much puke
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need water and some morals
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
