like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
