there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
