doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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