My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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