Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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