Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So much Jack, so little girl.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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