i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize