why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
