So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
