I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
