If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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