the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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