1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
