Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
