He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
