your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
