be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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