The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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