"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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