after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
