Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
