everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize