What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize