Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
