i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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