I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
as a side note pls kill me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
