i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
