First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
