Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
