there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
