I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
its not stalking. its research.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
