Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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