I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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