my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
