you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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