When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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