He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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