i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
