She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
