the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
