turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
