We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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