Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
