I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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